"Radical study says Buffalo winters are 'perfect,' not the 'embodiment of death'"

Groundbreaking research explores the authenticity and actualities of Òcuffing seasonÓ

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Editor’s note: This piece was written as a satire and should be read as such.

Breaking news: People who don’t like the miserable and merciless Buffalo climate are stereotyping winter.

Winter, especially in Buffalo, is frigid. But is that all that it is?

According to new research, brutal weathers actually serve as the ideal environment and catalyst for a mysterious phenomenon known as “cuffing season.”

“Cuffing season” is a seasonal sensation that appears to only affect people who meet two specific weather and social conditions; the weather needs to be really cold and the person needs to be really single.

People possessed by this “cuffing season” madness will experience loneliness, coldness and uncontrollable snuggle cravings. These struggles will subside when the person gets into a relationship with, or “cuffs,” a boyfriend or girlfriend. The loneliness and coldness is quickly replaced by the love and warmth of the new relationship.

The brick weather Buffalonians and UB students annually write off as the “worst part of living in Buffalo,” ironically, may actually serve as a building block for something truly special.

“Cuffing season,” essentially, can be any cold season. The cold makes people want to get warm. To get warm, people want to snuggle. To snuggle, people will seek out a relationship.

The logic seems as easy as counting one, two, three.

But there are still many who would dispute the veracity of “cuffin’ season.”

Jonathan Berman, a Ph.D. psychology student, said the cold probably has more of “an effect on my nipples” than it does on human desire.

According to Berman, the slight seasonal variation between the number of conceptions during winter and summer is simply because “during the cold months people spend more time indoors, and therefore [have sex] more often.”

Jian Feng, a professor of physiology and biophysics, echoed Berman’s sentiments.

“[All] I can offer is just a humble theory, based on mass action law,” Feng said. “The cold weather simply increases population density in buildings. Higher density leads to more interactions, a percentage of which should be productive.”

Berman and Feng neither prove nor disprove the validity of “cuffing season.” But both illustrate when discussing “cuffing season,” the complicated questions must be considered, such as, “What if you don’t want a relationship and only want to snuggle?” or, “How do I know if the weather isn’t cold enough yet for cuffing season?”

With a complex social phenomenon like “cuffing season,” the line between reality and fantasy is rarely clear, especially in states that don’t have a long enough winter season.

Luckily, Buffalo has, at the minimum, five full months of below-freezing temperatures, terribly-painful wind gusts and, not to brag, one of the top-five highest national annual snowfall averages: the perfect “cuffing season.”

For Brandon Alexander, a junior digital media and communication major, “cuffing season” is something he doesn’t waste time worrying because he knows Buffalo weather is perfect for it.

“Have you been outside? Buffalo is cold,” Alexander said. “I don’t know about you, but I like to be warm. To maximize that warmth, I need another body, preferably female.”

Alexander isn’t an ordinary “cuffer”– he knows had to handle “cuffing season” madness better than anyone.

The veteran “cuffer” said his number-one rule is “never fall in love at first cuff” and thinks everyone should follow his lead.

“Don’t catch feelings in cuffin’ season,” Alexander said. “The cold makes it tempting to ‘wife up’ a girl, but only about five percent of cuffed-wifey relationships make it past spring.”

These short-lived relationships are why Erin t, a senior legal studies major, said “cuffin’ season” is problematic.

“Cuffin’ season is as real as Kim Kardashian’s butt,” Amico said. “In the end, they leave with a hoodie and no goodnight text.”

Buffalo’s freezing half-year winters makes it impossible to go out and actually meet people, Amico said. So we coop up with one person when it’s cold and move on when it gets warm.

Amico’s advice to “cuffers” is to not be clingy and to recognize the temporary relationship with a ‘cuddle buddy’ is only to survive the winter.

But not everyone is like Alexander and Amico.

For many others caught up in the merriments of the season o’ cuffin’, relationships seem to be the final destination.

For Mabel Henriquez, a junior anthropology and psychology major, her first true “cuffin’ season” was her last.

She met her boyfriend around the beginning of winter and hasn’t looked back since.

Could this moment be anymore love at first cuff?

Perhaps, Henriquez said, but it was Buffalo’s weather that played a huge hand in moving the romantic process along.

“[Buffalo winters] are so cold you don’t want to do anything except sleep and cuddle,” Henriquez said.

Personally, however, Henriquez doesn’t believe in “cuffin’ season.”

She said if you want to cuddle with someone, you shouldn’t have to feel pressured to find someone in the winter.

“Everyone is just whiny and thirsty,” Henriquez said. “They just lose track of what is important.”

Henriquez never had that problem, though. She knows what it takes to make her happy.

“Netflix, food, a bed with lots of pillows and condoms,” she said. “Everyone just wants to be comfortable, happy and loved.”

Henriquez said it best: Netflix, food, a bed and condoms are the peak of happiness and essential to cuffin’ season.

Winter is coming and it’s cold and sad, but the season can also be warm and happy. Decide which one you want, bundle up with bae and keep on cuffin’ on.

email: brian.windschitl@ubspectrum.com