Editor’s note: The following is satire and should be taken as such.
Dear Anne:
Over the next several weeks, I have to write four final papers and I somehow have to find time for this while also keeping up with the regular coursework, which is a full-time job to begin with. Can you give me some advice as to how I can manage to get everything done?
Dear Misguided Reader:
The answer is simple. As it is, you say you have plenty of coursework to fill up your days. Well, what are you doing with your nights? Wasting them, no doubt, in such unproductive ways as socializing, snacking and the least efficient of all, sleeping.
Today’s youth can never get enough sleep, and worse yet, they can never stop complaining about it. Typically selfish, they feel so entitled to rest that they don’t consider the effects that their sloth is having on anyone else.
In what ways does getting eight hours every night benefit the community? Are you civically engaged while you are asleep? Are you contributing to the betterment of humanity? Are you getting your schoolwork done?
No. None of those. For approximately one-third of your day, and thus one-third of your entire life, you have been practically comatose. You are being a poor citizen of the world.
Stop it.
Dear Anne:
I’ve heard so many good things about Bravo Pasta at Pistachio’s. But every time I go to check it out, the line is at least an hour-long wait. Who has that kind of time to wait for pasta?
Dear Misguided Reader:
If you were a true fan of Bravo Pasta, you would not disrespect it by implying that their pasta is not worth the wait. The pasta at Pistachio’s is legendary. So legendary, in fact, that I am convinced that nobody has ever actually consumed it. I mean, the line is ridiculous. I’ve heard this complaint from plenty of people. They walk up the stairs to Pistachio’s, see the line is out the door and walk right back down the stairs.
I’ve never talked to anyone firsthand that has actually eaten the pasta, but everyone on campus has heard from somewhere that it’s absolutely delicious.
In my opinion, the pasta is a myth. If you look very closely next time you walk up to Pistachio’s, I’ll bet that the line is the same exact line that formed the day Bravo Pasta opened, and everyone is still waiting. Don’t get sucked into that disaster. If you want good pasta without the eternal wait, hitch a ride into Buffalo and try Chef’s.
email: features@ubspectrum.com
