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"Don't Ask Anne: Disguises, thick accents and too many tacos"

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The following article is satire and should be taken as such.

Dear Anne:

I go to Moe’s for lunch a lot, and the people who work there are starting to recognize me. One guy asked me if I eat there every day. I love Moe’s but I feel like the workers are judging me. What should I do?

Dear Misguided Reader:

You are right to be concerned. Food workers often begin to remember the names and faces of people they see nearly every day. This recognition reaches a point where they even start to greet you and memorize your regular order. Most people, simple-minded dears that they are, believe this is a form of “friendliness.” You and I know better. We cannot tolerate others judging us for our love of Moe’s.

Stay true to yourself and keep going to Moe’s.

If you feel judged by the workers, then just remember they can’t recognize you if you are in disguise. Invest in a variety of wigs, scarves, glasses and trench coats and carry on with your order.

Dear Anne:

I can’t understand one of my professors. He has a super thick accent and he also mumbles a lot, which doesn’t help things. I’m out of my mind trying to translate what he’s saying in my head. Why can’t he teach in plain English?

Dear Misguided Reader:

I’m sorry, how many languages do you speak? Put yourself in his place. As a top mind in his field, he’s trying to convey his vast knowledge to the youth of this country through a language he may not be entirely comfortable using. That takes a lot of courage. He’s in front of a huge class of immature people. If he misuses a word or messes up some grammar, then you can be sure that he won’t be given the benefit of sympathetic understanding; he’ll be facing an entire class snickering about it and relaying the message to all their friends on Twitter.

Clearly, you have a deficit of knowledge in the area of foreign languages. You can’t be a truly well-rounded world citizen unless you spend your college education broadening your horizons. If you can’t be bothered to learn the Australian aboriginal language of Dyirbal, then why are you even here?

email: features@ubspectrum.com


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