Editor’s note: The following is satire and should be taken as such.
Dear Anne:
I’m a commuter and I am really upset that classes weren’t canceled last Tuesday or Wednesday. I couldn’t get to campus because there was a travel ban in my town. I legally wasn’t allowed to drive to school, and now I have to pay for it with loads of makeup work and missing some of the last classes of the semester. How fair is that? It’s not. What am I supposed to do now?
Dear Misguided Reader:
You mean you didn’t break the law and endanger your life in order to attend class? What kind of student are you? There’s no excuse for this behavior. Clearly UB expects you to own a private helicopter and airlift yourself out of that mess. So, what are you waiting for? It’s only the beginning of winter. Go buy that helicopter with your negative salary (what’s a little more debt, right?) and get your lazy butt to class. Kids these days…
If the snow is too deep to even go out and purchase a helicopter, then my advice to you is to step up and be a leader. Be the first in your town to drive on those roads. Stomp on the accelerator really hard and see if you can plow the roads yourself. If you crash, at least it was in the pursuit of education.
Dear Anne:
When I cross the street here on campus, I use the crosswalk, like any law-abiding pedestrian should, but the drivers get super annoyed whenever they have to slow down or stop so that I can make it across the street. Like I’m such an inconvenience and they lose three seconds out of their day. It’s like, sorry that it’s the LAW that you have to not kill me, right? Can you remind drivers that pedestrians have the right to live?
Dear Misguided Reader:
What makes you think that? If you care to notice, the law printed out on those bright yellow signs in the middle of the crosswalk only specifies that cars must yield to pedestrians. They say nothing whatsoever about stopping. That should be terrifying enough to give you a little extra speed as you dash across the street.
I hope you are fit. Good luck.
email: features@ubspectrum.com
