Editor’s note: This article is a satire piece and should be taken as such.
Dear Anne:
It’s halfway through the semester and I feel like I’ve hit a wall. I’ve done so much these past eight weeks that I don’t think I can stand doing the same amount of work all over again in the next eight weeks. I’m just done. Other universities have a fall break. I sure could use one. Can you give me some motivation so I don’t crash and burn?
Dear Misguided Reader:
What motivation do you need other than the knowledge that this is your life now? This stage is only another baby step on the way to becoming a functioning adult. In fact, you have it good right now. You only have to be on your game for 15 consecutive weeks and then you can relax. If you can’t handle this, how are you going to manage when you have a job and have work every day for the rest of your life?
My advice to you, then, is to be stoic and power through it. You’re going to have to get used to working because your future is entirely composed of working until you die. Is that motivation enough for you?
Dear Anne:
Stop picking on the geese. In three separate columns this year you have suggested violence against the poor harmless birds that do nothing but stand around and eat grass. It is irresponsible of you and somebody is probably going to take your advice seriously and hurt a goose. Leave the geese alone.
Dear Misguided Reader:
What you call “standing around and eating grass,” others might label “staking out the joint and hissing threats at passersby.” If you think they’re so harmless, then why don’t you just give one a hug? I’ll lay off the geese when they stop camping out on sidewalks and leaving a minefield in their wake.
email: features@ubspectrum.com
