Editor’s note: This article is a satire piece and should be taken as such.
Dear Anne:
My hallway seems to be very musical. We have people singing, dancing and playing instruments almost continuously. It’s getting really annoying. Whenever I try to study, someone down the hall decides it’s time to practice the clarinet, the tuba or his or her new opera music. I would really like them to stop, but I’m uncomfortable asking them to drop their life’s passion so I can have some peace, especially since they politely stop during quiet hours. How can I handle this?
Dear Misguided Reader:
First off, you’re right not to talk to these people face-to-face and beg for quiet study time. You would come off as a wimp with no life, and who wants that reputation? Instead, if you have some printing dollars to blow, why not plaster passive-aggressive signage around the hallway? Hopefully, this will embarrass the offenders into silence. If that doesn’t work, perhaps you should get a little musical yourself and take up the air horn.
Dear Anne:
I want to mail some things to my friends and family. But when I went to the post office in the bookstore, I found that the post office hours are very restricted, which is inconvenient with my schedule. Envelopes and stamps are overpriced, and on top of that, the post office doesn’t take Campus Cash. It only accepts real money. Who carries that around here? I feel that it’s unnecessarily hard to mail things from campus. Why is it so hard to contact the outside world?
Dear Misguided Reader:
Shh. You’re not supposed to ask that question. And so, I can’t directly answer it. But I can give you several hints. Why is it so hard to contact the outside world, you ask? Well, haven’t you ever wondered why it’s so hard to get off campus? How come the campus is in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by barriers of highway? Why, it’s almost like the roads twist themselves around with the purpose of making sure that you will never get away.
Are you planning on sticking around for four years of undergraduate study? Well, heck, UB has a nice Master’s program for you. Why not stay here for graduate school? And then it’s just a few more years for a doctorate. Wouldn’t you like to have a Ph.D.? And while you’re getting that, why not get some experience in your field and become a TA? Once you’re a doctor, have you ever heard of being a post-doc? And at that point, you might as well just stick around and become a professor.
You know what comes after that? Tenure.
Run, my friend.
email: features@ubspectrum.com
