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"Don't Ask Anne: Schoolwork, dorming and pre-registration requirements"

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Editor’s note: This article is a satire piece and should be taken as such.

Dear Anne:

I am totally overwhelmed with homework and studying. I don’t know where it’s all coming from and, suddenly, I have two midterms next week! How can I manage my time through all this?

Dear Misguided Reader:

You sound like a classic, sniveling, pathetic follower. Hasn’t anyone ever told you to be a leader?

Stand up for yourself. I mean that literally. Stand up in the middle of class and demand that the midterms be postponed.

Don’t cop out and make your demands during your professors’ office hours. That is a sign of weakness. If you lay out your ultimatum during class, your professors will admire your strength and leadership. They will see that you are a critical thinker and that you are solution-oriented.

The tyranny of professors handing out assignments and testing their classes must be stopped. You now have a chance to stand up and improve the lives of your peers. Save them from this oppression! As Gandhi once said, “Be the change that you wish to see in the world.”

Dear Anne:

I’m dorming this year and I probably never will again. Here’s why: There are two people in my hall that I just can’t stand. They’re loud during quiet hours, they take really long showers, they leave the bathroom a mess and they’re just super annoying. How can I get some peace?

Dear Misguided Reader:

When it comes to dealing with people that you don’t necessarily like or agree with, the most advisable recourse is usually violence. Perhaps, I’d best leave it at that. Best wishes.

Dear Anne:

Before being able to register for classes this year, I had to get a meningitis vaccine. What was that all about, and will I have to do it again next year?

Dear Misguided Reader:

This question is so wrong that it makes me roll my eyes in disgust. You got a vaccine in the hopes that your brain would not swell. I’m sorry, but isn’t that exactly what you came to college for? If you don’t expect your brain to expand during your education, for what reason are you spending thousands of dollars? It’s a complete waste of your time and money.

You agreed to a medical procedure that you had no knowledge about just because the government told you to. Oh, come on, even with your tiny shriveled un-swollen brain you can figure out why that’s a terrible idea. There’s a conspiracy here, of course, the government is making you get this vaccine in order to prevent you from learning well. This will cause you to stay at college longer, putting more and more tuition money in the state’s pocket. Sheep.

Want terrible advice? Email your questions to features@ubspectrum.com


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