World News

Bush, Kerry Schedule Dance-Off to Decide Presidency

Presidential incumbent George W. Bush and Democratic candidate John Kerry announced yesterday that despite 228 years of precedent for elections to decide the U.S. presidency, the two politicians will instead hold a "dance-off" next month to decide the next President of the United States.

"I just told him, 'George, you know there's only one way we can settle this.' And he said, 'You know what, John? You're right,'" said Kerry.

According to Bush, he and Kerry both thought a dance-off would better please voters who were so upset over the election process in 2000 and was the only practical alternative.

The dance-off, which will be hosted by "Grease" television personality Vince Fontaine, will be a best-of-three competition with Bush and Kerry first boogieing the night away to "Born to Hand-Jive." After round one, each candidate picks a partner for "Stayin' Alive" by the Bee Gees. Bush is rumored to favor ultra-conservative Ann Coulter as his dance partner, while Kerry is courting former president Bill Clinton, who reportedly has been looking in the closet for his old bellbottoms.

If Bush and Kerry are tied after two rounds, they will square off in the Oval Office on national television to a techno remix of Howard Dean's "Yeeeargh!" speech.

Dean said he would spin the final round as DJ as long as he could wear one of those "dope" backwards hats. David Bowie will judge the competition.

Ireland Bans Smoking in Bars, Forgets by MorningM

One day after the start of a countrywide ban on all cigarette smoking indoors, the people of Ireland woke up in their local pubs Tuesday morning unable to remember any such ban.

"I...what? Ohhhh, what a headache," said local pub owner Gerry O'Connor.

Media correspondents from across the globe, who were in Ireland to cover the ban's immediate impact, were shocked to discover that no one in the island country had any recollection of it, let alone much else from the past several days.

"I remember wanting a cigarette. And I, wait...what?" said O'Connor, standing up from the pile of empty Guinness bottles he slept in.

"Hopefully we can all learn a lesson from this," said Dublin police chief McGruff. "So be smart, be safe, and take a bite out of crime."

According to Irish Prime Minister Sean McMurphy O'Donnell Fitzpatrick O'Leary McScrooge, there has never been any such ban and there never will be.

"Jaysus, whot ayre yuh tawkin' aboot?" said McMurphy O'Donnell Fitzpatrick O'Leary McScrooge. "Ther ain nevr ben noch ban. Hu wood evur come uhp wi such eh rehdickyoolus idear?"

Local police are investigating.